I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize