I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
