Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize