I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize