So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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