Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
