If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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