why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Someone shit on the floor
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
