That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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