Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
