You smell like stripper and shame
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
