She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
