this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
