I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize