there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
We are two peas in an std pod
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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