The brown eye won't let me do that either.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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