Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
