i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Randomize
