Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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