all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Randomize
