Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
