There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize