And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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