I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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