Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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