Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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