i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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