I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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