shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
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