pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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