You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Randomize
