My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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