I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
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