12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
