do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
