She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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