No awkward lesbian experiences without me
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize