I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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