have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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