i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
