chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
