Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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