i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Randomize
