"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
