Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Randomize
