last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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