Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
