Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
