just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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