You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
