I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
