two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
