Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
