I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize