I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Randomize
