Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
