upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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