Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
