Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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