Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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