Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
