he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
