Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Randomize
