I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
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