i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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