am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
